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Rumor Mill

Date: August 28, 2022

"Woker Classic" Ridiculed After Changes

Succumbing to pressure from coastal elites and to project a more progressive image, the Founders are making changes to some Stoker traditions to create a safe space for all participants.  Gone are staples such as late night meatballs and post-round sausages (replaced by tofu meatballs), red solo cups (single use plastics replaced by hand troughs.)

A study commissioned by the Founders also found that Wiley emits more carbon dioxide than ten cattle.  No solution has been formulated.  Other awful changes include granting illegals a path to winning the Stoker (Channy.)  The Founders also implemented a DEI initiative to have the Stoker demographics consist of less than 95% white Irish by 2050.  Finally, the bedwetting contingent (which primarily consists of the Bucknell crew with the exception of Stoker legend Ferraro), are now referred to as being "toilet insecure."     

Flops Unite With Saudis to Start Rebel Invitational

In a surprise to no one, the Flops have formed an alliance with the Saudi government to start a rebel invitational to compete with the Stoker.  Speaking about the natural alliance during a joint press conference with Willy Lop, Mohammed Bin Salman expressed reservations but applauded Lop for his problem solving ability.  "Listen, are the Flops are a bunch of scary mother effers to get involved with?  Yes.  Their record in the Huff Cup is horrible and they have made more people disappear that Houdini.  We have a horrible human rights record but it's child's play compared to the Flops.  But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to challenge the Stoker."

A testy Lop answered questions from the left wing Stoker media about both the past and recent spate of disappearances of team members.  Transcript below: 

Q: What happened to Partridge?  Where did he go?

A: He got Flopitis.

Q: You mean phlebitis? 

A: Yeah, that's the one.  

Q: Are you a doctor?

A: Are you a cop? Next question.

Q: What about B Man?  

A: He's missing the Huff Cup for work.  Flops don't take days off.  

Q: Aren't you taking a day off to play in the Huff Cup?

A: Are you a doosh? Next question.

Q: Ernie Graham?

A: January 6th.  He was the Qanon Shaman and sentenced to two years.  Out of my hands.  He'll be out next August if he can get his handicap down to single digits from what I hear.  

Q: Danny Kim?

A: He's still away on a tour with Doctors Without Borders.

Q: He works in finance.  Is he a doctor?

A: Are you a cop?  

The inaugural Flop Classic will take place next fall and will feature a 48 player field in a shotgun format where all players tee off on the same hole but different tee boxes.  

Big Balls Bags Downloads on Stoker Pretenders

After two straight Stoker wins, the King of the Stoker offered some insight into the chances of the purported "best to never win the Stoker" for the upcoming classic.  Bags on Mark, Jr. "decent game.  I like the swing but I don't love it.  I'm not in the business of giving away free advice.  If he wants me to help him out, he can fake a foot injury and pay my fee.  I'll toss him a bone."  On Holden V. "hits it way too flush and gets too many birdies and pars.  That's not how you win Stokers.  Stokers are won by throwing up a birdie and following that up with a quad knowing that your partner's got your back.  Stokers are also won by crushing a six pack by the turn.  Last I saw, junior is still slurping soda."  On Jason V. "he needs to let go of the anger.  I call him 'Vindictiviatis.'"  On the Boppers "guys are on the right track.  Love the swings, love the attitudes and they know how to put up big numbers which is the hard part.  Easy part is mixing in a couple more birdies and they'll be drinking from the cup."

Pathetic Phipps Turns to Snip for Competitive Advantage

In light of his recent title drought and after his request to play from the green tees was denied, Phipps is moving forward with gender reassignment surgery and to get red tee rights.  "Worked for Maggie and I need an edge."  When asked if he had reservations about making a permanent change for a short term advantage, Phipps conceded that he experienced some anxiety.  "I asked my doctor if I could bring a friend to accompany me and whether I could bring Meat.  The doc said 'yes, of course, your meat is coming off, you should definitely bring it.'  That confused me.  I then said asked him about Spike.  The Doc said 'meat, spike, whatever you want to call it.  Don't worry, it's coming off.  You're losing three inches but you're gaining over 100 yards on the filed on every par 4!"     

Men's Cottage Marks End of Era

Four perennial Lodge guests whose names can't be disclosed for HIPPA reasons will be forfeiting the upstairs right bedroom for more adult accommodations.  What is driving the change?  You guessed it monkeypox quarantine. 

Marty the Blade Handicaps Stoker

Bags to threepeat (+400)

It's not gambling if you know what's going to happen.  The King has the secret sauce and is on autopilot at this point.    

Phipps under 90 (+400)

Will Phipps put up a 110 at the Huff Cup?  Probably, but Phipps will put up a number on Saturday that will have Hinckle asking more questions than a suspicious spouse.  

Any Vintiadis to win the Stoker (+600)

Let's face it. This is a bet on Holden.  Great value here.

Frank Shanahan over 95 (+700)

Let's be Frank.  Actually, let's not so people will actually like us.  Let's face it, I don't like him.  You don't like him.  Let's cheer for this together and win some money while we're at it.  

Stoker Social Calendar

Friday Night: Trivia night at the Barn starts at 8 p.m.  Come watch the Boppers high five each other after using their phones to answer questions.

Saturday Morning: 10 a.m. Watch Chan play Pinochle while his dud Bucknell buddies pretend to laugh at his stale jokes.

Saturday Evening: 10 p.m. Public school will compete in the boat race with their traditional two fewer contestants because their math skills are commensurate with the price of their education.  10:30 p.m.  King Bags takes annual Champions' nap on Lodge couch.  10:45 p.m. Annual Mandatory Stoker Blind Partners Slow Dance at the Barn.  11 p.m. Chan will try "new" material on unsuspecting victims.  

Sunday Morning: 3 a.m. Noel wakes up to find Lennon staring at him while he is sleeping.  

Huff Likely to Maintain Social Distancing
Stoker legend Huff surprised everyone at his annual Stoker press conference this week when he announced that he anticipates maintaining social distancing through 2023.  Here is an excerpt:
RM: Mr. Huffistuff, we have heard rumors that you intend on maintaining social distancing through 2023.  Can you comment on that?    
Huff: This thing is no joke and I take it seriously.  I need to take proper precautions and ensure I protect myself.   
RM: Do you think that is somewhat of an overkill and excessive to continue to social distance long after the threat of Covid has passed?
Huff: Covid?  What?  I'm talking about social distancing from my shit team, Team Flop.  We stink, I mean shit, we STINK!.  Four straight we have lost.  Shit.  I need to stay away from those guys.  Have you seen Phipps' numbers in match play?  I've been asking for a trade to Team Lebber for about two decades now.  What's it going to take, shit, I mean SHIT?  I want to quaran-team with those guys.  Please."
Trade talks between the two teams have stalled since 2002 but are ongoing.
Socially Conscious Founders' Covid Fundraiser Expected to Raise Thousands
The Founders expect to raise thousands for Covid relief this year with various Stoker themed items on the block.  Items expected to draw hot bidding include: a Partridge autographed golf glove signed by Wily Lop to maintain the charade that he's not hiding Partridge, a treasure map to locate Danny Kim autographed by Willy Lop, immunity from Hinckle giving you a hole by hole recount of his round, Chal's old cardigan and Hansen brothers style glasses, Father Brian's collar, Creeper's shoes that he wasn't wearing when he passed his breathylyzer, 2009 clippings from Muzz's stache, Wedgie Boy's 7th grade basketball shorts.  Other items available for the more economically conscious are Libby's toothpicks left on the sausage plate from the 2017 post-round Stoker, Jimmy Shan's handwritten directions from the Buffet Concert to Eagles Mere for the first Stoker and an autographed copy of Turkey Leg Teke's deep fried turkey recipe.    
Flops Relish Extraordinary Opportunity
Now that the Huff Cup has been rescheduled for April 9, 2020, Team Flop captain Willy Lop appreciates the gravitas of the opportunity presented to his team.  "I know my guys and I know they can do it.  We all adopted the DeChambeau model during the quarantine and put on 30-50 lbs each.  Did it result on increased hypertension, body fat and less distance off the tee?  Yes, but my guys answered the bell.  That's why I know we can lose two Huff Cups in four months.  Has anyone ever done it before?  No, but did anyone ever lose a hole in match play when their opponent put up a 9 on a hole?  Not until they met Jonny.  Jonny showed us it can be done.  I trust my guys."     
Soft Ferraro Triggered By Stoker Twitter Account
Fake tough guy Ferraro has pinned a lot of opponents in his day but he can't seem to shake his toughest opponent yet, the Stoker Twitter feed.  Snowflake Ferraro, who used to try and intimidate his opponents by wearing a unitard, has been justly mocked on the Stoker Twitter feed for his lack of Stoker preparation, piss poor Stoker performance, excessive eating and stupid mustaches.  Ferraro, who also apparently models pirate hats, remains baffled.  "It's not right and I don't know who it is." said Ferraro.  "At first I thought it was Noel, then maybe Shan.  I think Libby might have something to do with it.  But maybe it's Wiley.  I could see Zerb doing it too.  Maybe B Man.  I'm not sure.  I'm just not sure."  It's not paranoia if they are really out to get you, pirate.  If you despise Ferraro for his fake nice guy routine (as most do), please follow Stoker Classic on Twitter and like any and all disparaging posts about him.  
Upstairs Bathroom at the Lodge Has Seen It All
This year, Rumor Mill pays tribute to one of the unsung heroes of Stoker weekend, the upstairs bathroom at the Lodge.  We have the exclusive.  "Sure, there are three bathrooms upstairs, but I am the only one that is adjacent to three bedrooms.  Tell me another bathroom where, at any given moment, you're surrounded by 11 to 15 guys who are surviving on a diet of pork, Canadian Club and beer.  3 p.m. or 3 a.m., I have to be ready.  You know Teke?  I do.  All too well.  Look, I respect the other bathrooms, but they can't handle the volume I do.  One more thing, I just want to say that the ceiling fan in the bedroom next to me (you know which bedroom) is the other hardest working man in the Lodge.  Wiley's breath, the collective gas.  Jesus.  I'd say I can't fathom what it smells like in there but I can.  Bud mud, vomit, snarfs, I've seen it all.  Even if that fan circulated air like a turbine in a hurricane it still wouldn't clear everything out but it does the best it can."   
Local Lewisberg Convict Assesses Prison Chances of Stoker Participants
The 2020 Stoker will be historic for a variety of reasons and it will be the first Stoker not to be played in Eagles Mere but at Bucknell University in Lewisberg, PA, home of a federal prison.  Since it's likely that at least one Stoker participant will end up in the local Lewisberg Federal Prison, the Rumor Mill has enlisted current prisoner Billy Ray Sullivan to assess some participant's chances in prison:
Willy Lop: "He's a pretty boy and a lot of the boys in here like that.  But he's a hell of a negotiator.  I like his chances."
Hinckle: "Andy Dufrense without the street smarts. He has fresh fish stamped all over him.  Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!"
Channy: "I like his adaptability.  He's comfortable at a debutante ball or a pub. Salvation lies within."
Teke: "Wildcard.  You ever walk through an alley late at night and you see another guy and it scares the shit out of you?  Teke's mentality is eff that, that guy should be scared of me.  That mentality goes a long way in here."  
Jimmy Shan: "I see him as a Red from Shawshank type.  Guy who knows how to get things."  
Lennon and Noel: "(Giddy laughter).  Listen, them California types think adversity is when they run out of avocado for your toast."
Bop Noel: "Guy's got a real wild streak that I like.  Any time the other guy is unsure whether he is going to shake your hand or rip your heart out, it's an advantage in here.  Bop has that."   
Marty the Blade Handicaps Stoker
Now that gambling is legal in most states, Rumor Mill has you covered for this weekend's best bets with renowned handicapper Marty the Blade's plays and fades.
Wiley -110 v. B Man 
Look, this is Flop on Flop action.  Is this match up like asking me which Menendez brother is less guilty?  Yes, but Wiley is a gamer and B Man has too may weird belts.  
Willy Lop +135 v. Jimmy Shan
Willy plays more golf than Sunjae Im but I like Jimmy Shan's grit.  No one has ever come to play on a Stoker Sunday like Jimmy Shan.  Actually, no one has ever come to play on a Stoker Sunday, but since 2020 is a clustereff, I like Jimmy Shan.  
Combined Schlepper Score 406 (Even)
Over.  Have you looked at the Stoker scoring history for the Schleppers?  I'd say these guys stink but it's an insult to stink.  I like Zerb to put up a couple of 13's and Bopper's wedding to add 11 strokes.  Give me the over all day and then tack on 10.  The only stress you'll experience wagering on this one is whether you'll trip and hit your head on your way to the window to collect.
Maggie Farrell shoots 96 or under (-110)
The Blade is a numbers guy.  The numbers tell me that Maggie Farrell has shot three straight 96's at the Stoker.  The counterargument is that there will be a reversion to the mean but the mean is 96.  The Blade's pick?  Push.  Give me another 96.
Next Week on Rumor Mill
Bopper Faces Rare Founders' Censure For Wedding Snafu
First Lady Jeanie Unloads on Remote Stoker Participants: "They're Pu%#ies" 
Libby Mocks Fauci, Claims to Have Pills that Cure Covid
Less Annoying Hinckle (Toebe) Makes Stoker Debut
Wiley's Covid Mask Awarded Purple Heart
Noel Spends Stoker Weekend in Dark Room, Weeping with Bottle of Bourbon, Stoker Group Photo While Facetiming Chan
See You in 2021!!!!!!!!!