Over 70 Crowd Embraces “Pu%&y Label”
Facing unprecedented harassment from co-participants after the implementation of the “over 70 rule” where graying Stokers get to tee off from the yellow tees, Founder Papa Shan is firing back. “Call me a pu%&y, I embrace it.” said Papa Chan. “But also call me 200 yards closer to the green on the number 8 tee.”
Pathetic Phipps Looks For Stoker Edge
In the least startling move in the Stoker offseason, perennial Stoker disappointment Jon Phipps retained attorney Bop Noel to petition the Founders to allow him to play from the yellow tees at the 2016 Stoker. Rumor Mill obtained a transcript of the contentious hearing. Chairman Papa Shan presided:
Bop: Mr. Chairman, my client has the body of a 75 year old. His skin tone is gray, he has the lung capacity of a 90 year old. After hitting his tee shot 70 yards on hole 16 last year, he bravely volunteered to walk up the hill and passed out before the reaching the stairs. Also, mentally, he’s just not there.
Phipps: That’s right, I can’t do it! Yo, Jimmy, help me out here! Prime rib dinner kid!
Bop: Bopjection, Jimmy’s not a Founder, Buffet concert.
Mr. Chairman: Sustained. Not a Founder. Please strike “Yo, Jimmy, help me out here!” and “kid!” from the record and have Jimmy removed.
Phipps: I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a decade. I piss four times a night too.
Mr. Chairman: The committee will take this matter under consideration. Thank you, Mr. Phipps.
Cutting Edge Pop Pop Projects Electronic Stoker Payments By 2030
Tired of writing a check, buying a stamp and then going to the post office to mail in your Stoker fees? You have gripes, Founder Pop Pop has answers. The Stoker’s favorite curmudgeon estimates that the Stoker will adopt electronic payment by 2030. “We’re getting there. We’re getting there. Spending five minutes to set up a paypal account just isn’t for everyone. I don’t have time. I have that hipster Bannon up in Brooklyn who wants to pay me in Bitcoin. Enough of this BS. Mail you’re effing check in.” said Pop Pop.
Team Lebber Sends Underperforming Lebo On “Trip”
After a string of disappointing Lebber Cup performances, Stoker stalwart Lebo will be “unavailable” for the Lebber Cup this year. Team Captain Pop Pop said “That’s that. That’s that. That’s all there is. We wish him the best, but it’s time for him to get his game together and spend some time in that place where Partridge and Kim go In August.”
But where is that place? “It’s a question I ask every August. Steve, where do you go?” said Mrs. Partridge in an exclusive interview. “My children ask me every August, ‘mommy, where do Uncle Jimmy and Will take Daddy?’” said Mrs. Kim. “We’ve asked Jimmy and Will that question every August for the past five years. Just tell us where you keep him in case we have to reach him. We get nothing.”
Rumor Mill tracked down the captains of Team Flop to get answers. When asked about the whereabouts of Kim and Partridge in August, Jimmy Shan, pointing to nowhere in particular, shrugged and replied “over there that way.” A snickering Willy Lop, standing behind Jimmy Shan, added, “yeah, over there” gesturing in the opposite direction.
Seventh green to Flocco: Eff Me? No, Eff You!
Tired of the profanity laden outbursts from gruff Stoker participant Ted Flocco, the 7th green is taking the gloves off in 2016. “This effing green, it doesn’t hold an effing thing. I landed it 50 yards in front and it still rolled off the back. Eff this green. Eff this effing course.” Said Flocco in his last Stoker outing. Enough of the abuse, countered 7th green. “Eff him. Hit the ball with some arc. Ever hear of an apex? Dump the Lady Precept. Eff you Flocco!” said the 7th green.
2016 Stoker Offers First Look-Alike Contest
In a little twist-a-roo to mix things up, the Founders are offering a bottle of Goldschlager to the winner of its first, and hopefully annual Rod Stewart Look-Alike Contest. In a related story, Rob Werner just won a bottle of Goldschlager.
New Rumor Mill Feature: 5 Things You Didn’t Know About a Founder
This summer, Rumor Mill will highlight each Founder in a series titled “5 Things You Didn’t Know About A Founder.” This week’s profile is Stoker legend Dan Hinckle.
1. Marley and Me is my favorite movie. The ending cracks me up every time.
2. I already think you are an a hole.
3. My baby bonnet was once used to tarp an infield.
4. I’ve been saying I’m retiring from the Stoker in five years for almost ten years now.
5. I got low net in the 2013 Stoker. To this day, no one cares.